A few days into my isolation I made an emotional realization. It didn't necessarily catch me off guard, but I was unprepared by how it unfolded. Of course, I also didn't imagine I'd be spending the first week of summer break separated from my family. I've always believed that those who fail to plan are planning to fail. I enjoy planning so much due to my fear of failure. However, even the best laid plans can crumble under the unpredictable circumstances of life. Nothing has gone to plan so far. And it grieves me so because there were some ends that I couldn't control or enjoy as I wanted to.
I nursed my baby for the very last time this month. It broke my heart to have to be separated from my children at all, but to be robbed of the ending that I had planned for my breastfeeding journey with what will most likely be my last child has gutted me. Elora turned two a week ago, so I knew it was time to start weaning her from experience with her older siblings. I was so blessed to have been able to nurse all three of my children exclusively beyond their first year of life. I know not many women get to have that experience for various reasons. It was difficult at times, but I am grateful for the experience of nourishing my children. I never got to have the birth experience I imagined for myself, and that guilt was nearly all but washed away as I was able to provide for my children in this amazing way. I wanted to really soak in those last few nursing sessions with Elora, but Covid collided with those plans, and it meant having to stop abruptly and without the resolve I was anticipating. I have shed my tears and accepted that although things didn't go to plan, my journey is still something to appreciate and celebrate. I have three healthy children and I enjoyed the bond that we shared while it lasted.
Summertime can be bittersweet, can't it? I am increasingly aware of just how sacrosanct that time was for me growing up. Summer arrives just in time to give your soul a time to press refresh and help you refocus your intentions for the remainder of the year, before the craziness of the new school year and holiday hustle ensue. Although I know not everyone gets to enjoy summers like they did when they were kids, I am blessed that my life gets to include this time of wistful freedom.
Although some chapters so far this year were written for me, I am filled with such hope for the weeks to come and a newfound inspiration to make my time count for every beat that is so graciously afforded me. After all, hope can be found in every season if you make a point to seek it out.
