Revisiting My Mission

It's March 2020. I've been home with my family for a few weeks since the beginning of the pandemic. I'm seven months pregnant with my third baby, a girl. It's spring, and I'm sitting outside on a blanket listening to a Compel Writing course podcast about best writing habits. The application after the lesson is simple: why do I want to write?

It's July 2022. I'm still awake at two in the morning. I am sitting on my bedroom floor, unsure of what to do with myself. I spot a few bins under my bed. One holds all of my Bible studies. Another contains my Shakira album collection. I take a trip down memory lane for a bit and explore their contents. I pull out a red binder the contains the notes and worksheets from my month of Compel training. I read through that lesson application and wanted to share it here today. Even though the past  two years didn't pass as I imagined they would, God has still been working in my heart and life.

I believe God gave me the passion to write to share His Truth and glory to others. I believe it is a way for me to reach women who struggle in similar ways. I believe it is a responsibility to take seriously and an opportunity to link hands and hearts with Him to fulfill my purpose as part of His plan.

Nearly a year ago I made the habit of planning out consistent posts and devotions for my blog. Somewhere along the way I let go of my plans and ended up abandoning the gift I thought God imparted to me. I still believe God is calling me to write, to use this thing I enjoy to bring glory to Him. I also know I can't give up so easily if I really want His message to go beyond my page (electronically or otherwise).

I struggle with depression, anxiety, trust issues, jealousy, and comparison... to name a few. Over the last eight years of my life I have neither mage progress nor allowed myself  the chance to fight for my freedom so that God can use me for His glory and purposes. In fact, on my darkest days this year so far, I did not turn to Him once at all. And those days by far has been the darkest yet, where I have actually contemplated that my absence on earth would be the only relief from my suffering. I even went as far as to think of what I would write to my children to explain to them why I chose to end my life.

God came after me though.

Lately, I've been getting back into a Bible study routine. I've been listening to worship music that energizes my heart and helps prepare me for the day ahead. I'm not still where I want to be; my temper is still too short, as short as my patience, but when I enter His presence I am able to receive a portion of His grace and forgiveness and enjoy His company free of shame. I know He is at work and He cares for me, no matter how insignificant or worthless I may feel.

As I work to serve the God of comfort, instead of all of the little idols that have been consuming my time and energy, I am growing in my confidence to step out in faith. I am learning to hold my emotions captive, and the filter them through the lens of Truth before allowing them to captivate me. I still struggle with jealousy and comparison, but I am learning that I am putting myself up to standards that God never intended for me to stack up against. It will be a long, difficult battle, but I can rest in the assurance that His victory is already won.

Today I can pick up where I left off. God will always meet me right where I am. His work will still be accomplished, yet I am glad that He has not stopped pursuing me, even when I try to be distant and unavailable. This isn't my second chance, and I'm sure it won't be my last. His hope has restored my soul. And during the current state of the world, His hope is all I need to lean on. 

My mission has been set alight in my hear once again. I am full of gratitude for the opportunity to write to you, dear Reader, and to share what God is teaching me, raw and unedited, unfiltered and true, in real time.