I found myself in a long wintering season, frozen in time, only to enter a new season of transitions that has caught me by storm. A lot of change all at once completely overwhelms me, especially due to my extreme inability to be flexible. I will either freeze and become paralyzed to any kind of action or give up entirely until the guilt of wasting my life creeps in and the cycle begins anew.
I vented to my dearest cousin about all of the madness I was experiencing and her advice led me to realize that I was part of my problem. It made me realize that I still had some kind of power even when the world may have hijacked the reigns for a bit. Instead of lamenting over losing the last two and a half weeks of my life, I got inspired to take back summer.
Growing up, summer break was the pinnacle of my young life. Sure, spring break and Christmas break were important, but there was nothing like the freedom of summer. For starters, I could sleep in until my heart's content. I never understood why anyone would want to sleep like a baby — I want to sleep like my 15-year-old self on summer break! Secondly, I enjoyed spending time in the sun. Laying on a towel and listening to CDs did not feel like a huge waste of time to me. In fact, I've been craving some sit-outside-in-the-sun time so much lately. It's not easy when you have children because there's a lot less sitting and a whole lot more active parenting involved. Thirdly, although I tend to not enjoy spontaneity, something about summer just awakens some part of me that is totally on board with it. It's ok to get off schedule in summer or to do things day-by-day.
It's been over a decade now since I've enjoyed a summer break fully. Once I graduated college, I went straight to working through summer, to having my first child midsummer, to getting lost in raising kids and keeping house. Becoming a mother is amazing. I can't not look at my children and not see that I at least got 3 things right in this messy, beautiful life. I wouldn't be honest if I said that I didn't lose myself some during those years though.
That's where I'm getting at; I feel lost. I feel like I've been left behind all the while life has been moving me forward. Going back to that inspired feeling of taking back summer ( thanks, Erica), I thought the best way to find myself was to actual be myself. It's not easy for me, because I am more often self-loathing than self-loving, but since I'm not getting any younger, and since no one else seems to be apologizing for being authentic, why can't I?
I sat down this weekend to make my own little summer bucket list. I wanted to think of things that Kendra would have wanted to do with her time, if she didn't have a household to run and take care of. I found it incredibly easy to get those ideas onto paper. One of which included being more present here, on my blog, and writing as often as I can.
I'm kicking off my summer takeover with my signature "currently" post. I like going back and reading about what I was into any given month or season, and as I get back to writing more regularly this month, I want to start by sharing what life has been like lately, but less of the heavy stuff that I assume you read through, and more of the highlights. By the way, if you've kept with me this far, you're a special kind of person and I appreciate you!
Without further ado, here's what's been going on currently in this sweet summer month of June!
I hope your summer started off on a higher note than mine did. If it didn't, I'm praying that you wake up to a fresh start tomorrow. This week I'm reclaiming summer break. I'll be back on Wednesday with my next post and a sneak peek on Friday of some things I've been working on. Happy Monday; I'll be writing you soon!
